Disappointment vs. Dis-Appointment

I’m disappointed in myself.  Some of these disappointments are no big deal. They are little in the grand scheme of things, but others are huge.  I’m disappointed in the way I treat others.  I’m disappointed in the fact that I get insanely jealous.  I’m disappointed that I say things that are incredibly hurtful.  I’m disappointed that I doubt myself so often.  I’m disappointed that I care so much about what others think of me.  I’m disappointed that I’m not smarter, when I have the potential to be.  I’m disappointed that I waste so much time, but people think that I’m incredibly busy.  I’m disappointed that I don’t always respond in love.  I’m disappointed about other things too…things that I don’t really want to commit to paper. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I wish I were better.  I’m not depressed, or overly dejected about this, but I understand that this isn’t what I imagined as a child.  I guess I always thought that grownups were exactly who they wanted to be, but the secret is out.  I’m not at all who I want to be. 

So where does this disappointment come from?  I guess the easy answer would be that it’s a self-esteem issue.  I wonder though if it comes from the fact that I’m simply not the person God created me to be? 

Maybe the word disappointed should be written dis-appointed?  Maybe the idea that I’ve removed God from His appointed place in my life and have tried so hard to make it on my own is the reason I feel this way. 

I have to tell you, when I’m following hard after God, and serving Him, and letting Him cover my blind spots I don’t feel this way so much.  Maybe that’s the trick huh?  To let God be God in my life, and to believe Him for the things He says about me.

I wonder if Gideon felt disappointed with himself when He was in the winepress trying to thresh wheat?  Maybe he was disappointed because he wasn’t brave, or as bold as God had called him to be?  Maybe he felt discouraged because his own father was worshipping idols and he wished he were courageous enough to stand up for what was right?  No matter what he was feeling, I bet it all changed about verse 12 of Chapter 6 of Judges.  An angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon and called him a Mighty Warrior!  The irony here is awesome! You see, nothing about hiding in a hole is the ground hoping for a breeze is Mighty.  But God sees us for what we will become, not what we currently are!  That’s such good news!  God’s plan is to make me what He wants me to be.  When I’m plugged in to Him and allowing Him to work in my life, the ache of dis-appointment goes away and God shows me glimpses of who He has created me to be! 

Glory to God!  I may see a whole lot of things I wish were different today, but God is redeeming those things in me, and making me more like Jesus.

Psalm 53:1

Psalm53:1

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God"!

I read this in devos this morning and when I first read it I was thinking, for sure that guy was a fool. Anyone who says God doesn't exist must be out of his mind.

Things have been busy here. I'm on a work trip right now with the Cheerleading team in Daytona, FL. Yep...life is hard ;-) Anyway, I read this this morning and then sort of went on with life. The morning happened and provided regular life distractions. We had minivans to return, however, and as I was alone for the 15 minutes to the rental company, God reminded me of what I read. And then He said "there are lots of areas where your life says 'There is no God'."

Ouch! I don't want to be a fool. I don't want to dishonor God by my lifestyle, but as God forced me to be honest with myself, He's right. I, most days, live life like God's not even around. I go to work, stay busy with the events of the day, read emails, solve problems, and occasionally acknowledge that God is present, but my life doesn't revolve around Him. I forget about Him. I don't depend on Him.

I decided today that I need to do a better job of making God the focus. I'm convinced that anxiety, stress, pressure and my poor attitude would improve if He was my focus instead of me being my focus.

At this point I don't have any super clear cut ways to make this happen, but if God thought it was important enough to bring up, I'm sure He will help me figure out a way to be more mindful of Him.


Jessica

It's so good to learn!!

I used to hate the question “What is God showing you lately?” I hated to have to make up some answer that sounded good.  Most of the time I tried to think back to what we were learning in church, or some soundbite I had heard on our local Christian radio station. It's been since October since I've posted, and you don't have the time to read everything that God has been up to, so I'll fast-forward to the last month.

On March 3^rd I left with a team of students for Hephzibah Children's Home in Macon, GA. My friend Nate and I have lead this missions/service trip for the past two years. I was of course expecting God to show up and blow the minds of our students. Little did I know that He intended to blow my mind as well. I was completely unprepared to lead. I had gotten so caught up in the business of my own schedule that I had neglected to spend time with God. It's a dangerous thing to plan to lead a missions trip while neglecting your God time. On the very first night of our trip, during our debriefing time, I asked the students where they needed God to show up in their lives. They gave great answers that I could tell where honest and sincere...then it was my turn. I said the most sincere thought in my mind at that time. I said that I needed God to show me how much He loves me. You know, to remind me who I am to Him.

The week was amazing! God showed up in HUGE ways! In each of the lives of our students God did exactly what they felt needed done. Some asked for victory over body image issues, some over a specific sin in their lives, some for the ability to trust God or others, and you know what? God was faithful, but it felt like it was for everyone but me. I struggled most of the week in my quite times to figure out how God was working in my life, and it felt mostly like He just wasn't. I was grateful that God was still choosing to work through me, but felt super guilty because I knew He shouldn't be. I wasn't close enough, plugged in enough...I spent the week convincing myself that God was only using me because He had to...not because He wanted to. Regardless of why I was being used, I was grateful that the lives of my students were being changed so radically, so I pushed through.

It wasn't until I had been home for a little over a week that I had had enough. I was talking to a friend one night and simply mentioned that I felt like God got trapped in to using me on the trip. That He had used me because He can use anything He has to to get the job done. I don't remember word-for-word a lot of what she said, but one thing I do remember is her asking me, “Jess, what if God wanted to use you?” You need to know that I wasn't super receptive right away, but over the next few days, God would use lots of things that people said, and LOTS of things His word said to reinforce this idea. God lets us be involved in what He's doing, not because we're good enough, but simply because He is good and wants to share those blessings with us!

This discovery has opened the door to SO much!! God is teaching, and encouraging, and challenging me with new thoughts and fresh discoveries often! Needless to say, I don't hate the question “What's God showing you lately?”anymore. It's so good to feel loved deeply by my Heavenly Father! I have lots to share, but I figured for you sake I'd split it up a bit!

Maybe you're where I was a few weeks ago....maybe you need to be reminded who you are in God's eyes. A friend (the same one mentioned above) challenged me to read Psalm 139 over and over, really slowly and deliberately like I'd never heard it before. It was revolutionary! If you're in the same boat, and need to feel God's love new and fresh, why don't you give that a try!! God's word is living and active and will ROCK YOUR WORLD if you let it!!

I Am Who He Says I Am.....

So if you've never had the experience of hearing Ian and Mia sing, you're missing out!  I think you should stop everything, go to my Facebook page and listen to them...they're amazing!  They do a stirring rendition of a VBS song from a few years ago that says:

I am who the Great I AM says I am.  I am one of His greatest creations. something something something...fearfully, wonderfully made.  I am who He says I am.

I was sitting on my couch tonight reading in Exodus 3 and 4 about Moses.  God asks Moses to go ask Pharaoh to let the children of Israel leave Egypt.  Moses gave God four excuses that I found.  He told God he was unable to do it (3:11) and God promised to be with him (3:12).  Then Moses says he was inadequate. (3:13) and God reminds Moses that He (God) is more than adequate. (3:14).  Then Moses says he's inferior fearing that no one will believe him (4:1) and God says just give me what you've got (4:3-7).  Then Moses goes for the big one!!  He says God, I can't because look at the limitations you've given me. (4:10).  I love God's response to this one.  I wonder how Moses felt when he heard this answer.  In verse 11 God asks Moses who made his mouth!  LOL.....Moses tells God he isn't able to talk to Pharaoh because he (Moses) stutters, and God says....Yeah, I knew that.  I made your mouth.

I've been giving God some excuses lately.  I've been giving Him lists of reasons why I think things would be better handled a different way.  I've been telling Him I'm inferior, or inadequate, or that I have a flaw that He designed so it should count as an excuse!  I've been letting the little things in life wound me.  My dad used to call these times in life Pity Parties.  I'm discovering that one of the really cool things about God is that He has an answer to all of my excuses, fears, wounds, frustrations, misunderstandings, broken dreams and lost relationships.  Do you know what it is?  In Exodus 3:14 God says to Moses, I AM THAT I AM.  In my life sometimes I need to hear God say I AM your hope.  I AM your confidence.  I AM your solution.  I AM your healer.  I AM your peace.  I AM your understanding.  I AM your strength.   I AM your friend.  I AM THAT I AM!

I don't know what you need to hear from God right now, but I bet you need to hear something!  Be confident that God is exactly what you need!  And if you just need a little boost check out Ian and Mia singing to their mom!

Scrubbing nets.....

We tell our college students that when something gets repeated in a lecture it’s probably worth at least noting, so when Luke 5 came up twice in one day I thought maybe I should take a look!  Turns out that was a good choice!  Let me set the scene:

Peter has had a long night.  He’s been working his tail off, doing everything he knows how to do to succeed.  You see Peter is a successful fisherman; at least he used to be.  But last night….last night was a hard night.  He fished just like he had been taught, just like he always did, but this time he didn’t catch anything.  We don’t know if this was the first exhausting night, or if Peter had had many, but we do know he had failed to catch fish.  Peter does something here, however, that shows us his intent.  In verse 2 we see that Peter was scrubbing his nets.  Cleaning and repairing the nets was the last thing to be done before going home so that everything was ready to be used again soon.  Scrubbing the nets isn’t a bad thing at all, but we see that it isn’t what Jesus had in mind right then.  In verse 4 Jesus asks Peter to put those nets to use.  Peter was tired, he was discouraged, but he was obedient, and boy did it pay off!

Maybe you can relate to this a little.  Maybe there is something in your life that you’ve felt called to do.  Something that at one point you were sure was God’s plan for you, but then it got hard.  You’ve been doing everything you know to do…you’ve tried everything, but it’s just not working out.  Maybe it’s a relationship, or a ministry, or something in you that God is working on.  And maybe you’re scrubbing your nets.  Maybe you’ve taken a step back from the pursuit because you’re discouraged, or you’ve had a bad time, or you’re just tired.

I can totally relate.  I feel like my nets are SUPER clean right now…probably too clean.  I’ve been “preparing” but not doing what I know needs to be done.  For me, it’s time to fish.  I need to stop putting off getting started on the things God has challenged me to do. 

Have you been scrubbing your nets?  Can I challenge you to seek God’s direction?  Maybe He wants you to clean those nets, take a break and regroup.  Maybe He wants you to fish while you’re exhausted so that you’re confident the results came from Him.  Either way, obedience pays off!

An Incredible Journey

It's been a while since I've blogged!!  Surprisingly enough I've missed it!  God has taken me on an incredible journey and I'd like to share a little about it with you.  I've been rereading a book called "How We Love".  It's by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, and while it is written primarily for married couples it talks about some very foundational principles of love.  I picked it up again because as I've been reading in devos over the past month I've rediscovered a great responsibility.  Jesus talks about it in John 13 when He says: 

^34-35"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other."

 The best and easiest way for people to recognize our relationship with Jesus is for them to see us love well! 

This caused me to think about the kinds of things that make me feel loved by others.  As I started making a mental list I realized that there are certain things that help me feel loved quicker than others, things that fill up my love tank so to speak.  For instance I love to spend time with my friends, and someone taking time out of their busy schedule to spend time with me makes me feel very loved.  Then it hit me...each person's love tank gets filled up differently.  Some things fill us up super quick, while other things are nice, but speak to us less effectively. 

Based on my above hypotheses I decided to send out an email to a few of my closest friends to ask them what things made them feel loved; the response was life changing!  In a simple email I learned more about some of my closest friends than I had in hours of conversation before!  Not everyone responded, but those who did have given me a treasure that I cherish...they've given me insider knowledge in how to love them the best way they can be loved!  (it sort of feels like cheating  ;-)

Since receiving these emails back I've been looking for ways to use this information to show love to others, and it's been super rewarding! Maybe you would consider taking a moment to dialogue with your closest friends about how they feel loved and then looking for ways to show them love in those ways?  I promise you won't be disappointed!! 

I'm also curious about you....what makes you feel loved by others!  Do me a favor?  Comment on this blog, or on the Facebook link that brought you here and answer this question:

I feel most loved when........

I would be honored to hear your ideas!

Faith in what....

Faith is an interesting thing isn't it?  I've been working on a devotion for a leadership conference I have the privilege of speaking at this weekend, and have decided to talk about faith.  It's tricky though because I think that Christians have faith in lots of things, but I'm not sure how often our faith is actually in God.  (If you're going to the conference you should stop reading right now because this will make for a very boring recap later in the weekend ;-)  I think we have faith in our sayings, and faith in how hard we work, or pray, or believe, but in all of those cases I am the object of my faith, not God.


In order to have faith, I guess we should define it!  Faith to me is believing in something SO MUCH that you're willing to risk everything for it.  I want to have faith like Joshua and Caleb, or like Abraham when he was about to sacrifice Isaac. I want to Believe God above all things, even what I see, or feel, or hear.  I know that God is exactly who He says He is, and He'll do exactly what He said He would do.  I also know that God is doing a work in my life to make me exactly who He wants me to be.....right now I guess He's working on my faith!